Hey Annie-- Issue #11

She’s Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’...
Advice Question: 

 Hey Annie:

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 6 months. I'm 39 and married, she's 26 and single/poly. Yes, it’s a big age difference. All was well and we were talking about her moving in with me and my wife. They get along great. Then she says she needs to “feel more emotion” on her end and is super busy so we should "lose the girlfriend label" because she doesn't have time for a relationship. I wrote her note pouring out my heart - I’m in love with her. We agreed to take a break for a month. She says she has hope for us and does love me. We've seen each other several times since, often at her request, but she barely hugs and pretty much won't kiss or touch me - acts distant and emotionless. But we talk on phone/text several times a day. She days she's sorry she's not physical and thinks it's because she's tired. I take all of this at face value and tell her I love her and respect that she needs time to work through things and am here for her. Am super confused on how to be...any thoughts? How do we get back to the way things were?
Where Is The Love....?
Hey Where:
It’s gone. The love is gone. I’m sorry. This girl isn’t in love with you. 
The only possible way of getting back where you were, is to actually take that break - though I don’t have high hopes. You say you agreed to take a break and then you admit you talk on the phone and text multiple times a day and that you’ve seen each other several times. Ummm - that’s not a break. The only thing you seem to have taken a break from is sex - possibly sleeping over. A break means having some time, days at a time, maybe weeks, when you don’t see each other, talk to each other, text or email either. If you actually take a break you might find that this girl begins to see what she’s missing, but I doubt it. I think she got scared and bolted. Things were moving pretty fast. 
The age thing, whatever. Lots of young people I know are more mature and more responsible with their relationships than lots of older people I know. This doesn’t seem to be the case with your girlfriend. Your description of her recent behavior is classic. She doesn’t know how to break up with you. That could be partially your fault, though in the end she’s responsible for officially ending a relationship she’s no longer invested in. What could make it your fault in part is neediness, clinging, refusal to accept the fact that her feelings have changed. I’m not making excuses for her, but if she’s immature and you push back against what she’s trying to tell you she’ll back off - but she isn’t in love with you anymore, now she’s just stuck in a relationship with a desperate, clingy guy. 
This isn’t good for either of you. Be the grownup. Tell her you know she isn’t in love with you. It’s OK to tell her you still love her. It’s OK to tell her you’re still available for relationship with her if she finds the love again. You need to accept that this relationship is not what you thought it was. I’ll leave you with a question: How long does it take to get know someone well enough to give them your heart, move them into your home, allow them inside your family? I don’t know the answer by the way, but it’s a good question....
Annie Ory
Dating, Relationship & Grief Coach
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